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August 22, 2008

Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve sat down and talked. I miss it, so I’ve decided to enter the blog submission this week just so we can get our “special talkie talk time” together. This blog is a story that comes from a movie I had the pleasure to work on around 4 or 5 year ago, give or take. The movie title I never give completely away but by the end of the story, if you haven’t figured out what the title is yourself, you either, A: Live in a closet. Once a week your capture lets you out only to read this blog or, B: You wore hockey gear all through elementary, middle and high school but never played hockey. So, pay attention because someone’s about to deliver a mind altering slap shot of vulcanized rubber speeding at over 100 mph and you don’t want to have to explain to mom why you buck like a horse in a rodeo every time someone touches your new skull implant. 

This one is titled, BIG BEN, YOU DILDO!

This had to have been the best time I’ve ever had working on a film. You can ask just about anyone who is listed on the credits.  I’ll give 10 to 1 odds he or she will confirm this. You felt lucky to be a part of it. Not because it was a blockbuster movie, I should say movies, plural. They were blockbuster movie releases, but again, that wasn’t why we all loved working on these movies, correction, movie. Confused, I’ll explain.  This was a rare situation.  The script was something like 400 to 500 pages long and was originally going to be one long ass movie.  Here, just incase some of you haven’t had the benefit of handling many scripts, I’ll explain why this is not the norm. The movie, “TWISTER”, the script pages totaled somewhere between 85 to 89 pages.  Got it?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it wouldn’t have drawn a wide audience, because if I were, I certainly would have been wrong.  I’m just trying to give you something to relate to, help you get your mind wrapped around what a running time would have been at a theater. The theater that projected such a movie would have probably run only 2 showings per day. Got it? So, somewhere along the way the same suits that found the money to green light this movie also pleaded (or is it plead) with the director to, somewhere, scissor it as close to the middle as possible and make 2 movies out of the original one movie.  Hence Volume I and Volume ll were born, but it wasn’t the easiest birth. This was more like Siamese Twins– joined at the hip, legs, shoulder and head. The director, whom also wrote the movie ( with a little help from the lead actress), was pretty head strong that his original baby was fine (“As Is”). There would be no need for separation. He love his “baby” just the way she was and didn’t care about who might cringe at the site of her.       

 Q.T., that’s what his nickname was or is. Not because he’s exceptionally cute, although some would say so. These letters derive from the first letters from his first and last name or the initials from his birth name. Just about everyone love him! Most might have thought twice about jumping in front of the speeding bus to push him out of harms’ way and into safety, but most would have done just that. He is a fair man, who didn’t need to berate someone to build himself up, although he did have a tendency to never act like a grown up. To me, this is something that all of us, at some point in our lives, willingly gave up.  More like, kicked this part of ourselves to the curb. Why, because it was time to put away childish behavior and act your age, like an adult. Boy, we’re we sold a burning bag of steaming dog shit. He knew when he could let the kid inside of himself out to play and when to send the caregiver out into the world and do the job that kids couldn’t.

If it sounds as if I am making him into a demigod, with my accounts of him in this blog, then I’ve given you the wrong impression.  I’ll pull back the reins on the runaway pony.  By no means is he a perfect person, he is flawed like the rest of us. Although, the kid, the part of him that he didn’t shed, unlike us, makes him seem innocent or pure…as if everything he’s telling you is the gospel as he knows it. He brought us all together, like a family. Every new 100th film roll meant shots of Tequila, no matter if it was 7am, 1pm or the stroke of midnight.  We would Sing Happy Birthday to every new visitor on his set, with the entire crew chiming in to help.

But the very best was the one place you didn’t want to see yourself - The Wall of Shame. There’s nothing better than a dose of humility to bring you back down to earth. What was the wall of shame.? Well, here’s how you could find your picture pinned forever on it.  If you didn’t have the sense enough to take your nap in a area where you couldn’t be found even if you were cover in methamphetamine and a pack of police sniffing dogs were released to find just that well, then you’d make the wall of shame.  Someone would find you sleeping (taking a well deserved break), oh so innocently, fetal position, hand by your mouth almost as if you sucking your thumb.  Nothing could look more peaceful or tranquil. 

That would all change rather quickly.  See, the catch was, you were never alone in the photos that were taken while you slumbered.  Nope, no cameo’s. Big Ben would make his way into the frame and it never looked like he was some nondescript prop in the background. Nope, Big Ben, well, he was big. I have never before or after, seen a bigger Big Ben. You couldn’t have hid Big Ben in the frame even if you put a bun around him hoping to make him seem like a  Big Hotdog. The bulbus head, protruding veins - let’s face it, nothing else quite looks like a 2 and a half foot long penis.  Maybe 3 feet, but I’m trying to not let my recollection run away from me. Of course, the handlers would never just lay Big Ben next to you before they snapped a few photos. That would have been funny but not gut wrenching, hilarious.

They had to position Big Ben so that, even though everyone could clearly tell you were asleep, Big Ben was in action and you were the vehicle in which Big Ben was being driven…Action shots of Big Ben behind you, very compromising, but fucking hilarious. Action shots of Big Ben, somehow wrapped in your hands, you might be yawning at the time of the photo just to help sell the setup you’re unaware of presently and is taking place while you’re dreaming of a family picnic or horseback riding.  More appropriate than that, is the  dream you have where,  for absolutely no good reason your  self awareness  has decided to kick in and  you’ve already been at high school for 3 periods and finally realized why everyone is gawking and laughing at you all day.  Lucky you…you have just noticed you forgot to put clothes on yourself before heading out to school today.

You may think this sort of thing would be reserved for the crew, but on this set, everyone was a potential “Wall of Shamer”! I remember one of the actresses that got caught and immortalized on the other infamous Wall.  It wasn’t Hannah Montana (oh yeah she wasn’t in that movie), but it was a Hannah,  who once played  a Mermaid (I am aging myself).   I swear…working on this movie was so much fun!  We all knew when to play, and when to get down to business…QT-you’re okay in my book (and blog)!  

August 7, 2008

This could be the most important blog you will ever read.  I am going to give you a list of people you can trust completely in this crazy movie business.  When you get to the bottom of the list, I have a Pop Quiz (YOU CAN WIN A PRIZE –see prize listed below…if you are the first person who gets 100%) . Good Luck!!

People I Trust implicitly in the Film Industry:

1.        Me

2.        Um…I can’t think of anyone

3.       Ummm…That’s right…You can only trust yourself!!

 

People I can trust in my life

1.        My Mom

2.       My Dog (and I sometimes question her loyalty)

3.       My Girlfriend (for now – but if we ever break-up…I don’t think we will, but does anyone in ever think they are going to break-up?  She is going to be mad if/when she reads this… Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned).   

 

MY BLOG - POP QUIZ!!!

All of the answers are contained in one of my past blogs (or this one).  The first person to get a perfect score will win your choice of a framed poster from the Movie (Kill Bill) or a $25.00 gift certificate to Blockbuster.

1.        In the Blog Titled “Armenian Pie”, who almost shut down production and why?

 

2.       When working as a Crew Member, Who should you NOT Piss off?  I will give extra credit to anyone that guesses who it is I actually pissed off (as it came back to haunt me years later).

 

3.       Who is the most important crew-member?

a.        The Director
b.      The Producer
c.       The Digital Video Assist Operator
d.      The Grip
e.      The Production Assistant
f.        None of the Above

 

 

4.       What is a Video Village?

 

5.       What is a BSBHFV, and are you one?

 

6.       True or False – Always wear the plastic sanitary gloves when making a sandwich at the Craft Service sandwich bar.

7.       Why is it important to have State-of-the-art equipment that is maintained properly?

a.        So that you aren’t known as “The last video guy was cheap, but missed every important shot!”
b.      It is required by the Union
c.       So that the director doesn’t yell at you!
d.      All of the Above
e.      None of the Above  

 

I WILL E-MAIL THE WINNER and POST THE ANSWERS NEXT WEEK!!  GOOD LUCK AND HAVE FUN!!
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0134198/

July 29, 2008

Good afternoon class!!! Today’s lesson is going to teach you both vocabulary terms and key phrases that are needed to become a Digital Video Assist Operator specifically and that could be helpful to any crew member.  When I started working in this industry, I used to hear some of the “Old-Timers” complaining about us “Newbie’s” and I would think they were mean, bitter and hated me/us… Now I understand what they were trying to do.  I learned so much from these guys, even as I was often the butt of ALL of their jokes and pranks.  I hope you learn something or at least laugh at what I have experienced from my stumbling through as a Film Crew Member… 

Digital Video Assist Operator - The only job in the biz (other than a Producer) where you can be some, no home, shopping cart pushing, walking the dog slob, one day and the next day you’re a full fledged card carrying film crew member of Local Union# 695- Sound and Video Technicians.

Ok,……. so, you think you might have detected a slight bit of  bruised ego hiding between the sentences in that last paragraph.  Did anyone ever tell you that you’ve missed your true calling as a shrink or psychic? You brainiac!! Nothing gets by these film kids nowadays. I may have made things sound a little more simplistic than they are in reality. I’m guilty. The truth of the matter is this, the pre-screening test is pretty tough, but it’s only 4 questions.  You have to get 3 out of the four correct more accurately… you have to be able to answer “Yes” to 3 out of 4 of the following screening questions:

 1. Are you directly related to (blood relation is not required but is desired) anyone Above The Line? (This term originates from the early studio days when the budget top-sheet would literally have a line separating the Above-The-Line and Below-The-Line costs. In the movie industry, Above-The-Line expenditures are those that are negotiated or spent before filming begins. These costs can include rights for the material on which the screenplay is based (i.e. Into The Wild – it would include the price paid to the family for the story…and that expenditure would be considered above the line).  Above-The-Line also includes the salaries for the screenwriter, producer, actors, director, and assistants to directors (not to be confused with assistant directors)? 

2. Have you depleted all resources, chances, favors, love, friendship, trust, and for that matter, hopes that said relative stated in question #1, had for you at one time in your life? 

3. Do family members, close relatives, friends, close acquaintances, distant relatives, acquaintances and people you’ve met less than twice in your life time refer to you as, The Tick, The Parasite, The Leach or The Blood Sucking Black Hole Family Vampire, aka BSBHFV? 

4. Can you hookup a VCR to a TV correctly?  

OK, so you’ve answered YES to three of the questions above (I won’t ask which three)…  Congratulations!! You’ve just passed the screening test and are on your way to becoming a Video Assist Operator. All that is needed now is for said relative to cough up the Union’s initiation fees and you can start your new career tomorrow. You might be thinking to yourself, “Hey Glenn…what do I do next?”  Well after the Union rep gives you the spiel about the Union and Code of Ethics…  Traditionally you proceed in securing that the job title of Video Assist Operator is synonymous with what they say about people who Assume or make Assumption. Anyone in the film industry can quickly tell you the definition of “Assumption” and it would be defined as, “The Mother of All Fuck-Ups”!  So you run along and make sure you continue with this long-held tradition and get yourself hired before you learn the fourth item on our checklist (and you too can be known as “Joe…oops I didn’t get that shot Video Assist Guy”). Let’s move on… I’m sure you get the point. 

Video Village- I touched on this term in an earlier blog, but it deserves reiteration.  A film set term that refers to the area defined by two distinctly different items placed in the general vicinity of one another, creating a vortex that has no equal power. Strangely enough, this vortex is random if measured by conventional methods.  Although, when measured by the size of one’s intense desire and ability to impose his will on others, well then, not random by any stretch of the word. This vortex draws only a selected crowd of film folk, but it’s always certain to produce just that, a crowd. Even though these selected few seem to be from the same species of mammal regarding their physical traits and appearances (plus, of course, the $900 Saxs Fifth Avenue slacks and the deficiency in cranium sized).  It would seem that these chosen few, let’s just call them, “Above the line”, or better, “ATL” folk share very little in terms of mannerisms and character traits with their working counterparts, the  “beeehheeeelloooooohooooohooohoo (it’s important to pronounce this word, which is correctly spelt, “below” as if you were coughing at the same time as you are uttering the word, Helps with the effect. Remember, I am without the ability to provide sound for my audience (look it’s the sound guys fault NOT MINE).  You could say the amount of sound I provide is in direct proportion to the size of an audience I demand…or is that command).

The Below-The-Line will now be referred to as “BTL” folk. To be more definitive, it’s that the ATL folk don’t share the same lower body strength, willingness, urgency or maybe just plain old concern for the guy that at this very moment, literally, just earned himself the name - One Nut from his fellow coworkers while attempting to move a 120lbs. ceramic potted shrub.  He is presently bear hugging, all by himself, in hopes on saving him and his department’s ass from being berated and slightly defiled in front of the whole crew in less than 2 minutes, give or take a few seconds.  One would say that’s a pretty good estimate if one could assume that this is what the 1st A.D. was referring to when he said, 2 minute warning, everyone!

Two minutes from now, the First team’s coming on stage, “let’s give them quite, people”. Now, One Nut is the only one in his department that realizes that this shrub has been in more shots in this scene then our number ONE cast member or any of the cast for that matter. This 120 pound nut cracker, which by the way had just given him a lovely parting gift for the ride back to work… One nut would’ve gladly refused this if it were offered to him rather than…..crammed down his shorts. What could that have been, you ask?  I’ll tell ya, all the ammo that his department buds needed to dub him with a snappy new set name. Poor poor One Nut!!

Two minutes from cameras rolling and this plant’s been in every shot in this scene and I wouldn’t bet against the script supervisor on picking up on the fact that something is just a little off with the continuity of the set…  

We are minutes away from shooting… film will be rolling and it doesn’t matter if your department is ready or not…  By no means does that mean the director doesn’t care if your department is ready or not if ya get what I’m saying?  This should empower the ATL with the ability to move on their own, but in this vortex these “People” are difficult if not impossible to start in motion, leaving them virtually helpless and without the ability to get the fuck out of the way at crucial times.  This unwavering lack of ability or desire to “get the fuck out of the way” along with their, noisy, hindering opinionated mass that spits out catchy clichés such as, “Let’s do lunch sometime” or “Have your people call my people”. Or better yet,  ”That Video guy’s such a moron. He could fuck-up a rock fight.” Do ya get it? See, in a rock fight all you have to do is pick up and throw a rock. Simple,.. right? (his audience, which is made up of other ATL’s, still hasn’t caught on to the simplicity of the joke and sits for hours dumbfounded, silently mumbling to one another as if they’re trying to solve the issue of global warming at that very moment).  Look…the Video Village, in short, is where anyone who is someone stands around the directors monitors as long as they want… No one ever asks them to leave (for fear of losing their job), except on rare occasion, the director… Gotta love that!! 

I hope this was helpful…please learn the definitions for the final Exam… Remember, I really will send the prize (computer prop used in Twister) to the highest score  

If you made it this far… I have a favor to ask… My girlfriend’s son did a project for his High School Economics Class…  It is on YouTube… Please take a look.  It’s pretty funny!  He doesn’t know we have seen it, and (while you would think he would have asked for my help) they did it with one cheap camera and no experience.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9f6ryiODK28 

 

Next week’s lesson is “Who Can I Trust in the Movie Making Arena?” 

July 23, 2008

Your “Professor” (and I use that term very loosely) is sick.  Hi class, I am your substitute (Glenn’s Girlfriend), and he asked me to let you know that he is sick (physically not mentally).   Stay tuned next week for session 1-of “Pipe Dreams 101.”

I think I will take the liberty to say, Glenn is rarely sick.  This is the first time he has been sick (I mean sick enough to stay in bed for a full day).   So please send him your positive health thoughts and read next week’s blog!! 

July 17, 2008

Hi kids…

Today we’re going to school…..and not just any old school, kids.  Oh no!!  Today we’re going to Film School or what I like to refer to as “Pipe Dream Palace 101“. There’s lots to learn and this is just your first class of many to come, if you chose to stay. Our first class is designed for those of you looking to enter the film industry and make a career for yourself working behind the camera. To be more specific, a career as a film crew member. Although there are many different positions to chose from, learning set etiquette, terminology and your basic set survival skills are important. Also, this class will give you a better understanding of your present mental instability (cause let’s face it, if entering this profession is a conscious choice………ah…..I shouldn’t have to say anymore).  I also hope this class gives you the tools you’ll need to live a long and……….a long……..ok then, a long life in this business.

This class will teach you such skills as:

1.     How to pry your  cold, dirty, unsanitary and no sandwich glove wearing hands away from the craft service truck’s sandwich bar counter.”  Why would your hand be pinned down, you ask? Well, at some point in your brief career you thought you could outsmart the fox. So, Rule number one on a film set is,………………  ALWAYS……. …….WEAR………. THE……. PLASTIC…. SANITARY… GLOVES.. When you’re on the Craft Service truck and your making silly with the sandwich stuff, Ok?!? I don’t want to have to repeat myself, kids. This stuff saves lives, people. 
     a.  The reason why your hand is pinned to a counter in the truck is because there is a knife stuck in the counter and your hand is in between the counter and the knife - Sticking it to the counter……….OUCH. Not good, not good at all for ya son.  (Ten minutes earlier - you open the truck door, Craft Service Guy is not there……um…..so, you’re thinking…….I didn’t see him outside…….and he’s …..not inside……ah…..screw the gloves. Now, your slinging a sandwich like a short order cook slings hash ………okay stop…….I know where your mind is………not that kind of hash. The kind of hash that takes the munchies away, not giveth………..Anyways, you’ve, almost got that baby finished when you see the red, ripe and juicy tomato……..Oh,….you need a slice of that. You see the sharp knife for cutting tomato’s and what do you do. I tell ya, you reach to grab the knife with your bare hand by the blade……….and you don’t care cause in-10 seconds your masterpiece sandwich will be done and there’ll be no witnesses. You are about grab the knife…….Boom!!!! The door kicks open and the knife is gone… It’s the Craft Service Guy %&*$(#)#%#^&^. You Weenie. What did I tell you? I said, ‘always where the glove’”.  You want love?…….Well then, wear the glove.” You look down at the knife stuck in the counter…with your hand skewered like a shish kabob!! This stuff saves life people, I’m not gonna say it again……What’s that , kid? No I’m not kidding…Now pay attention or this coud be your last day like the guy we now refer to as “The Sandwich Junkie”  I heard through the grapevine that he works at Subway in Lancaster……… Well, now you know what you facing.

2.    Rule number two on a film set: Anyone……….I’m hearing crickets people……..come on. ……someone? No,……..no……no That’s not a real answer, son. You people are lucky…….Oh… so lucky that this class is gonna help you. I’m mean, really!!! Should you says hi to the cast? Survey says…Ding ding ding…Ya just don’t do that dillweed. You never say “hi” to the cast. Also, you shouldn’t make eye contact. Many will take it as a sign that you may be involved in a plot to kill them and the president but they’re not sure who you’re planning on taking out first…but they definitely can see the president in your beady little eyes. Look, the one thing I know for sure is, don’t be making eye contact…not even friendly eye contact, none of that will be tolerated.

The enemy is fat, slow, egotistical, smell allot like ass, has a tendency to drink heavily, is antisocial and enjoy see others being humiliated and demeaned by directors that are shorter than himself. Do you know who that enemy is, girls and boys. …….do you know?……Oh for god sakes. This one is on the test next week kids. Ok, this one’s free. The next one is gonna cost ya. The answer is…….US. Simple……eh……like us, simple. Remember kids……..saving lives is what I’m doing…….I don’t have to do this kids,  but I do it because………ah crap….ah crap, crap …I forgot the line…………where is that script supervisor when ya need her…………Ya, the line, “we do it because _____”  Oh ok.  That doesn’t sound like something my character would say,……….ok….ok,ok. If that’s what I wrote then that’s what I wrote.  Thanks Lilly.

So, for the next few blogs kids, we are going to Film School. Each week, the lessons will help you survive any film set.  There will be a test at the end of this 4-week course and whoever gets the highest score…I will send you a prize (One of the original prop laptop computers used in the movie Twister or if you would rather have its cash value of about $10)!  If there are multiple winners, I will draw a winner!!

This course will teach you…

1.    How to cover up the whiskey dragon breath. I’ll even give you information about places to hide on set while you sleep that hangover off.

2.    This is the last freebie this week and it’s for the newbie PA’s.  If someone tells you their extension cord is 10-feet too short and asks/tells you to get them a “Cord Stretcher”…They are Fucking with you.  They want to watch you look like a fool when you start asking around for that all important…Cord Stretcher or Light Bulb Grease!

3.    I’ll define set terms and their background stories. I’ll fill you in on great catch phrases like this one, “It’s hotter than 2 rats F-ing in a wool sock”. Then you can tell ‘em to your friends and they can laugh with ya. 

4.    I’ll try to inform you on how things operate in this business from my (ever so humble) opinion. Then, you can finally take that long walk on that short peer; you’ve always wanted to take.

See ya next week kids!!